turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
