Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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