Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
