i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
