I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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