This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
