I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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