i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
His nipple licking is glorious
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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