You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
