If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
