i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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