Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
