the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How's work?
Spinning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
