I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize