Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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