I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
