I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
