We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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