You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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