is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm going to jail i love you
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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