haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
