I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this just has baby written all over it
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
