I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
