no, he came in my armpit
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
