i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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