I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
