I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
