Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize