I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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