Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
