Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
