I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
