If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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