Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize