I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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