I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
