I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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