I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
