I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He felt like a one man threesome
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
