porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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