We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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