one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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