I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
