Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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