I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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