I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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