just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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