Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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