My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
