fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
