I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
