They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
