Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
