Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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