omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
