he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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