I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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