Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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