Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
