okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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