i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
